The Cincinnati Enquirer reports that strip club dancers are out in mass seeking signatures on a petition to stop an Ohio law that prohibits dancers from touching patrons.  Without a change the law is slated to take effect on September 4th and both Republican and Democrat lawmakers are ‘all over it’.

“I am a strong supporter of the strippers’ rights to grab and feel whomever they want,” said Democrat Senator Filert “Feely” Hardy.  “For some reason a majority of voters mistakenly voted for the no-touchy-feely ban thinking that it was about striped gopher management and not stripper go-for-it management.  It’s a simple mistake really, and with this petition we’re taking steps to correct it.”

The group, Dancers for Democracy and Freedom (also referred to as Double-D-and-Free), has collected more than 200,000 signatures according to their spokeswoman, Randy Joynt, and has been averaging 5,000 a day since last night.

“Americans understand that dancing, going nude and grabbing body parts is a freedom worth fighting for,” said Joynt.  “It’s the kind of thing Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin were grasping at when they drafted the Declaration of Indianapolis and started the fight against the Finnish.”

The law on strip clubs was sought by the group, Citizens Union for Less Touching (CULT), which successfully petitioned the Ohio General Assembly.  The groups president, Les Hanndling, said that the strippers where abusing current laws by grabbing people off the streets and hauling them into the clubs.  “It’s not that I mind having nude women caress me,” said Hanndling, “but when they started stopping cars at intersections and carrying folks into their clubs I got to thinking maybe they were going too far.”

Dancer Candy Lane said that she needs to handle patrons in order to encourage them to ‘cough up cash’.  “I’m going to community college and need tuition money,” said Candy.  “It’s a proven fact that when you rub and paw the patrons they get flustered and start dropping money on the floor.  If the new law is enacted it will hurt my plan to become an intern and spend time with Congressmen and Senators.”

Republican Senator R.U. Redy said he backed the dancers against the voting majority.  “It’s time we set Ohio law straight,” said the Senator.  “Democracy has its limits when it comes to freedom, naked dancers and Americans right to touch and be touched.”

In other news, Bill Clinton had a massage table installed next to his New York office so he can ‘get his kinks worked out’

“I’m dedicated to helping entertainers maximize profits and create happier customers at the same time.” So says Melody Obourn, author of The Exotic Entertainer’s Bible.       
     If you’re interested in being successful as either a house dancer or a feature performer you owe it to yourself to get this book and read it, cover to cover. I say this because I have a couple of friends who are former dancers and the struggles, conflicts, concerns they wrestled with and spoke to me about are the very things this particular guide addresses. The subjects are given a thorough going over and are dealt with in a straightforward and informative manner. The author speaks with the authority of one who “has been there” and then some. Her savvy regarding the business is evident from the get-go and her attitude about treating exotic dancing as a business, first and foremost, is a refrain echoed time and time again throughout the book.
     Having been in the exotic dancer business for over twenty years, as a performer, booking agent and even a club manager, Ms. Obourn obviously has been able to draw from a wealth of hard earned knowledge in writing this book – and it shows.
     She offers sage advice on everything from “lazy-ass” boyfriends (I’m sure none of you dancers out there have ever had to worry about that – Right!) to cosmetic surgery to health and beauty tips. There is an entire section on how to actually get guys to spend more money on you as an exotic entertainer. There is a whole host of topics that are directed to those currently working as exotic dancers, as well as those who are just starting out. It’s not a book for the timid or for any girls that have any illusions about what the business is and isn’t. She puts high emphasis on being reliable, being on time, being sober and making the most of one’s stage presentation – as well as the time spent afterward on the “floor”. She offers specific ideas on how to get the maximum value out of “prowling” – aka checking out which tables in the club are likely to be spending money on private dances.
     Here a word of caution for any males interested in reading this – if you have any illusions about why the girls are there and what you represent, you may not feel all that cheered after reading this book. Perhaps this book should come with a big red warning sign “for women only” or at least “for grown-ups only”. What I mean by the latter is this, Ms. Obourn makes no bones about who’s in charge in the clubs. It may appear tho be the guys because they are being catered to but make no mistake, the women are the ones who are really calling the shots, they are the ones in control. They are the ones who have convinced you to part with your “long green” in order to indulge your momentary sexual fantasy. If you want to continue to harbor the idea that the main reason these clubs exists is to stroke your ego or better yet to have women fawn over you, don’t read this book. It will blow all that to hell and back. Then again, this wasn’t written for the male patron but for the ones doing the entertaining, the ones who are “working the room”.
     Fortunately for me, I lost those illusions about dancers and gentlemen’s clubs (along with the typical stereotypes about dancers) some time ago. Hence, I found this to be a pretty damn refreshing book. This book spells it out — If you chose a career as a dancer in a gentleman’s club you need to know that it’s about making money. That is the reason you’re there, that’s your number one goal. Any thing beyond that is, at best, a distraction and at worst, a self-defeating path. The author is very clear and forthright about this. One might even go so far as to call this the author’s own personal “mantra”. It certainly can be said that this theme lies at the heart of Ms. Obourn’s 234 pages.
     A nice touch is the various interviews with three successful features — Leslie Wells, Nakita Kash , and Lauren Kain. Each one has made a name for themselves and discovered their own particular path to get to where they are right now. Each one has learned how to make the most out of the business and have become successful businesswomen. They are ideal models for those interested in seeing examples of what can be accomplished if one is willing to put in the necessary effort as an exotic entertainer.
     To sum it up, this book is an honest treatment of how to have a successful career as an exotic dancer. It sets out to provide a well-written guide for the woman who wants to make the most out of her years as an exotic entertainer and it does just that. It probably should be required reading for any girl considering getting up on those high heels and strutting her stuff, whether topless or nude. Especially if she wants to go home with the most money – money she’s earned from shaking her “moneymaker”.
     The book is The Exotic Entertainer’s Bible, by Melody Obourn and published by Cabaret D Entertainment Group. The website for more information is www.entertainersbilble.com. The book sells for $24.95 + 4.95 S&H. If you don’t have access to Internet here’s the mailing address

OTTAWA (AFP) – Foreign strippers will no longer be permitted to bare breasts and shake their booty in Canada, Immigration Minister Diane Finley said Wednesday, despite a scantiness of exotic dancers in this country.

Legislation would be introduced Wednesday afternoon “to help prevent vulnerable foreign workers such as strippers from being exploited or abused,” Finley said in the House of Commons.

“The amendment will authorize the minister of citizenship and immigration to instruct immigration officers to deny work permits to foreign strippers.”

Finley’s announcement immediately drew catcalls from Canadian club owners who say they rely on hires from Eastern Europe and Asia to entertain their guests.

“They’re beautiful, exotic and very professional,” one club owner told AFP, asking to remain anonymous. “Banning them from Canada just leaves them with fewer options to escape a life of poverty in their home country.” …

Funny that Immigration Minister Diane Finley would pick this very narrow selection of the workforce to crack down on (so to speak). How many strippers can there be in Canada, given the weather?

Have all the illegals working as nannys, agri-workers, meat packers, maids and lawn-care guys been already rounded up and sent home?

When one of their comrades was struck with terminal cancer, the exotic dancer community in Vancouver, Canada banded together to organize an annual event called Exotic Dancers For Cancer. It was initially organized to cheer up their ailing friend Jocelyne Sioui, but they promised her that they would carry on every year, holding the event and raising money for cancer in her memory. Within the first years after Sioui’s passing, The Breast Cancer Society of Canada graciously accepted their donation. So, this year, when Trina Ricketts, founder of the exotic dancer website nakedtruth.ca, received a rejection based on the controversial nature of the fundraisers, she was disheartened and shocked that people still saw their contribution as “dirty” money. In protest, she contacted the media to “out” the Breast Cancer Society of Canada’s discrimination practices. The response has been overwhelmingly positive, and now Exotic Dancers For Cancer can choose among numerous organizations willing and eager to take their money. Here is their story.

Jocelyne Sioui passed away three months before the second annual Exotic Dancers for Cancer and the exotic dance community via an online forum at nakedtruth.ca promotes the event. The first year we raised around $3,000, but the second year, we couldn’t find an organization that would accept our donation. We wanted to give it to the hospice that Jocelyne died in, but they were owned by three churches, so they would only take the donation anonymously.

We wanted an organization that would publicly accept our donation, but we kept getting turned down. May’s Place in the Downtown Eastside of Vancouver was willing to accept our donations publicly and speak to the media, though most of the people that go through there don’t have cancer-related issues.

The Breast Cancer Society of Canada did accept the donation, sending a plaque that reads: “Presented To Exotic Dancers For Cancer In Memory Of Jocelyne Sioui.” This year, their executive director declined our donation with regret, saying they have other major donors that do not support the connection to exotic dancers. If the Breast Cancer Society of Canada wanted our money next year, we’d have to collectively decide to give it to them. In the meantime, we have had a groundswell of support from other organizations unashamed and happy to ‘launder’ our dirty money.

An exotic art festival will take place in subway stations around Seoul this week.

Seoul Metro Culture has prepared the five-day long “World Metro Art Festival 2007″ that starts from Monday (Oct. 29).

Subway stations will feature colorful dances from around the world, including Russian traditional dance and oriental fusion dance, in an attempt to bring “fantasy within an ordinary day.”

The grand opening ceremony will take place at Subway Line No.1’s Yongsan Station on the fourth floor of the I-Park Mall at 7 p.m.

A full blown art performance will take place at Dongdaemun Stadium Station (lines No. 2 and No. 4) at 4 p.m. on Oct.31, and at Sadang (lines No. 2 and No. 4) and Chongshin University (lines No. 4 and No. 7) stations at 3 p.m. and 6 p.m., respectively, on Nov.1.

At the closing ceremony “Meet Ecuador,” commuters can hear Andean music from Central America and other traditional performances, as well as view art from the country, from 1 to 7 p.m. at Gyeongbokgung Station (Line No. 3).

“This will be another lucky opportunity to experience exotic festivities at otherwise drab subway stations,” one Seoul Metro official said.

Last year’s subway station festival feature “A fall journey in Europe” in which various fusion arts from Europe, such as acrobatic ballet; mime magic; and improvised flamenco, samba and tango dances, delighted the Seoulites.

I’d like to get something off my chest – something besides my top.

I’m hypersensitive to negative stereotypes about strippers and other sex workers. They really get on my nerves. Don’t misunderstand: I know that those stereotypes aren’t baseless, and that lots of strippers aren’t in the business for the right reasons or running their lives the right way, and so they’re not having a good time. I’m not hiding my head in the sand here.

However, as I’ve mentioned before, the stereotypes don’t measure up to the actual statistics, and firsthand experience has given me an entirely different impression. Part of the reason my impression is different isn’t necessarily because the stereotypes were never true, but because the business, like the rest of the world, is evolving.

I think that most of society got stuck in the 1940’s and 50’s in terms of its picture of the stripper. She’s stupid, subservient, desperate for male attention. Her self-esteem is low, her lifestyle is dissipated, her morals are loose and her clothes are tight. She is at the mercy of her beholders. If she is not these things, then it’s because she is something much worse: entirely mercenary about her sexuality and devoid of human decency, and the men who come to victimize the pathetic ones are instead victimized by her – the ultimate insult.

Think, though, about what it was like for all women during that time period. Think about the picture of 1950’s femininity: Secretaries were hired because they were pretty, stewardesses were grounded if they put on ten pounds. Male attention and its expected outcome, marriage, were the most common and often only available means for women to make their way in the world with any security at all, and their roles in society were shaped and defined by the men in their lives. Very smart or capable women were often thought of as calculating and unfeminine, and women considered physically unattractive were thought of as nonentities (“Men don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses…”). Lots of the things we now assume are part of being a stripper were just part of being a woman then. It was truly a man’s world.

It’s not much of a shock to think that the women who chose to enter the Burlesque shows in that era didn’t necessarily come from the best families or have a lot of avenues open to them. They probably didn’t have a great deal of social standing at stake or a lot to lose. In that environment they didn’t have much recourse when someone pinched them on the rear or did something worse, and it was much more likely that they and their bodies were being exploited by some other, unethical person. In the sexually repressed climate of that era, then, it’s not a surprise that ’stripper’ wasn’t a very nice word.

eu*phe*mism (noun)

[Greek euphemismos, from euphemos auspicious, sounding good, from eu- + pheme speech, from phanai to speak] First appeared circa 1681

: the substitution of an agreeable or inoffensive expression for one that may offend or suggest something unpleasant; also : the expression so substituted

I’ve recently discovered I have a new pet peeve: putting things like “exotic dancer” and “sex worker” in quotes, like they’re euphemisms. I ask you, what could possibly be more frankly, accurately descriptive than ’sex work?’ Did you have sex? Did you pay her? OK, then. We don’t say, “My friend Bob is a ‘teacher.’” If we say, “This is my sister’s ‘friend,’” what that usually means is that they’re sleeping together. When we make those stupid air quotes with our fingers, what we’re implying is that the truth is the exact opposite of whatever we’re saying, and that there’s much more to the story than we’re letting on. Oh, yes. Those quotes are just fraught with hidden meaning: “This is what they say; we know better, don’t we?”

I’m so tired of being patronized in books, magazines, films, and TV shows that I can hear the slightest hint of it right away, and my hackles go up like a junkyard dog. Sometimes, I’m sorry to say, I see more of it than was actually intended. The insidious thing about unconscious discrimination is that people don’t realize that there’s an entire set of beliefs and ideas they have passively accepted as truth in order for their actions or statements to be appropriate.

When we say “exotic dancer” like it’s just a silly term for girls who are in denial about being strippers, or “sex worker” like it’s nothing more than a way for whores to avoid having to say what they do out loud, the subtext is this: ‘Don’t try to pretend you’re normal or respectable. We’ve already come up with a label for you; when we say it, we mean that we don’t like what you do. Don’t use terms that make it sound legitimate.’ Those quotation marks are more than simple punctuation; they become a barrier by which sex workers are excluded from society. To say that ‘erotic entertainer’ is a euphemism for ’stripper,’ and ’sex worker’ for ‘whore,’ is to imply that the latter terms, and therefore the occupations themselves, are offensive. To take the term the woman has used for herself and put it in quotes is to separate her out and discredit her view of herself and what she does, which I think degrades her much more – and is more sexist – than looking at her breasts. A prostitute is a sex worker; a stripper is an erotic entertainer. Those aren’t euphemisms any more than ‘African-American’ is a euphemism for ‘black person.’

Now, much like ‘bitch’ and ‘queer,’ words like ‘whore’ and ’stripper’ don’t mean what they used to, and are being reclaimed and used proudly as much as derisively. The profession has moved on, and the women who do it aren’t the same as they used to be. There have always been bright, talented, creative strippers like Gypsy Rose Lee in the industry, but now there are more girls who have no intention of compromising anything at all, including their credibility.

With progress comes new terminology; with evolution comes new language.

A stripper is a stripper is a stripper. A whore by any other name will still have sex for money. I’ll call myself anything I damn well please.